


Redefining Foot-In-Mouth

by asimplewalk



Series: Prompt Jar [16]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Mild Sexual Content, implied BDSM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 06:24:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3757783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asimplewalk/pseuds/asimplewalk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark has a genuine appreciation for women. And sometimes, when he's been working too long, his already flimsy brain-to-mouth filter disintegrates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Redefining Foot-In-Mouth

**Author's Note:**

> MATT YOU SCUMBAG GIVING ME WEIRD RAREPAIRS. "Rare!pair: SifXTony Do with it what you will." From the prompt jar?  
> Except I can't not ship Tony and Pepper, so you get bonus implied threesomes.
> 
> Unbeta'd, therefore all mistakes and plot belong to me, where all recognizable characters and settings etc. belong to the correct rights holders.

Tony almost chokes the first time he sees Sif. She’s leaning on the counter next to Natasha, their hips almost touching, and she’s chuckling at an anecdote of Maria’s. The kitchen of his penthouse has nearly a dozen beautiful women in it, and he becomes glaringly aware of the fact that he only really knows about three of them. Pepper (his beautiful, perfect, goddess of a girlfriend), Maria (who he works with as often as Pepper), Darcy (who is Jane’s assistant but perpetually intercepts him so that Jane can work).

Tony vaguely knows Natasha (who has been teaching him a few languages because he genuinely enjoys having them to speak and he does the world saving thing with) and Jane (who sciences very well with him and Bruce, thanks so much). The others are a mystery.

He knows he’s probably been gaping, because Darcy licks the back of a gummy bear and somehow it sticks to his cheek when she whips it at him. “Hey there, Beholder. You wanna get your jaw off the floor?”

“Oh please. It was not on the floor. Just… Hi there, ladies.” He walks to the fridge, eating the confectionery projectile that had hit him because it’d be a waste not to. Ignores that they are all smirking at him. “If you are all going to stare me down like I’m some piece of turkey you want on your sandwich, check with Pep first, she owns me now.” 

“Then where’s your collar?” Darcy, again. She’s snarky, and quick, and has as little brain-to-mouth filter as he does. He’d had considered having a paternity test run if she wasn’t sure of her parents (and she looked dead on to the pictures of her father).

“In the bedroom, in the nightstand, where it belongs if she’s not got it on me. Gosh, Little Green Girl, I’d figure you’d be the one to know how that works.” He takes the container of sesame chicken and the leftover fried rice… and then the vegetable lo mein. Because he can’t actually remember when he ate last (he’s an adult and shouldn’t have to consult his AI) and he figures he’ll be able to finish it all off.

“Was… That was a Toy Story reference! That had to be!” The girl that looks a lot like Darcy but is more toned and sitting happily on the same chair as a slender woman that had a British accent.

“Very good, random woman that my mighty business queen seems to have invited into our home. Who are you people, anyway?” He fetches a pair of chopsticks out of the drawer by Natasha’s hip. He’s actually kind of having trouble ignoring the woman by Natasha. She’s tall and bright and has really soft looking straight brown hair and-

“Tony, the girls there are Skye and Doctor Jemma Simmons. The woman to Jane’s left is Melinda May, all fallen-SHIELD agents, and the one by Natasha is a friend of Thor’s, the Lady Sif.” Pepper, bless her, gently reaches over and runs her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck and seems prepared for the fact that he’s about to say something remarkably stupid.  
“Just step on me.” He’s actually really surprised that his brain shut that far off, though. The raucous laughter from the rest of them proves that they weren’t either, and that they think it’s hilarious. “No, like, Pepper, really, find her the most Godawfully vicious pair of designer heels and then let her wreck me.” He takes the food and walks out, a little dazed, because he’s said what he needs to, and he’s not dumb enough to stay around in a room full of people that are capable of killing him an uncountable number of ways.

-

Pepper’s hands around his middle and the soft giggle against his hair let him know she’s not mad that evening while he’s carefully going over the code for an update on Vision, Jarvis’ body. “Did you know that there’s a harmonica solo in that Spice Girls song you were humming this morning?” 

“I should have made you come up for bed last night.” She murmurs it against the side of his neck because she’d learned that he was weirdly ticklish and squeamish about people talking against his spine.

“You shouldn’t have to ask. The lure of your beauty spread across my sheets smelling like hibiscus and coconut should be enough to make me go up there on my own. I’m too old to be pulling overnight benders, anyway.” He twists in her grip and noses into her neck. “How bad is it?”

“I bought her a pair of Litas. And Darcy and Natasha had a lot of fun debating kink when I wouldn’t share whether or not the collar was a real thing.”

“Christ, you are a wicked woman. How’d I get you?” Tony pulls back to stare up at her, entirely amazed yet again that she’s in his life like this. “Seriously. I’m shorter than you when you wear heels, you’re prettier than I am, my liver is pretty shot, I’m an asshole, and why are you smiling at me like you’re waiting on me to take a drink of my smoothie to tell me something that’ll make me choke?”

Pepper just casually takes the drink in question, in a huge plastic hello kitty tumble cup, and takes a sip. “I might be. Or maybe I’m just waiting on you to realize that I want you to quit tinkering and come to bed.” She hands him the cup.

Tony gives her his best side-eye before taking a small test sip. When his girlfriend appears fine to let him finish up the banana and pineapple heavy concoction, he tips it back to do that.

“I asked Sif how she felt about a threesome after everyone else left.” She’s got a filthy smirk.  
When he’s done coughing and hacking and can almost breathe a ‘full’ breath (thank you, compromised lungs for trying so hard), he gives her a pitiful, distressed look. 

“Why? Why do you do this to me? Are you teasing me? Really. It’s unfair. I gave you my company, I buy you pretty jewelry and flowers and clothes and shoes and _every time_ , you do that. You wait until I could die. For the sake of my beautiful son, quit. We like living.” He purses his lips, plants his hands on his hips in balled fists, and pouts at her.

“I’m Sorry, Jarvis.” Pepper doesn’t sound even a tad remorseful. 

“ _You are forgiven, Pepper. Project Vision can wait, Sir. You require sleep, not another overnight in the lab. Beginning shutdown protocols_.” The cheery and slightly sassy tone brought a smile to Tony’s face unbidden. 

“Oh, come on you asshole. Stop siding with her.” Tony let himself be led out regardless. “So, am I going to fall over dead from cardiac arrest when we get up to bed?”

“Maybe. Why don’t you wait and see?” Pepper’s even tone would be terrifying during a poker game, now that he thinks about it.

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously Matt, get out. You need to stop going "But what if..." when we are sitting in the middle of a busy Panera. Bad things happen.
> 
> Hey, you can come give me prompts or howl at me over on [tumblr](http://www.crownsandashes.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
